“All you have to do is ask”

Out of all the challenges that I must face in this lifetime, asking for help has always proved to be the toughest one. Nothing makes me more anxious or makes me more insecure than asking for help. It is feeling weak in the face of the realisation that I can’t just handle it myself and feeling guilty that I am imposing on someone else’s time.

I should be able to just handle things on my own. It is seen as a sign of independence and great strength to handle things on our own. All we hear about is how this great person has done it all. In the face of adversity, they have stood on their own two feet and did not give up. Every story says strength is doing it alone.

For me, it starts in the spiral. I try to think about what to do, and my mind reaches for support, and I think that no one can help me. Down, down the spiral I go, and I start feeling so alone and my mind keeps telling me that I am the only option, I am all the plans, and it screams at me: “Look at you… so pitiful… do you actually think you can handle this?” and I feel the sinking feeling and I start to put myself down.

When I first started the journey, I was told: “You never know how strong you are, until you must be. “I didn’t know where to start and I was trying to manage everything at once. Find solutions and try to deal with it all. A place for everything and everything in its place. There were so many things that I didn’t know how to do and so many fears and every single time I tried to grasp it all in my mind, I could feel as if my entire body was being attacked at once.

I would convince myself that I must do it and then my mind would scatter when I tried. It is very much like watching a bank of fish. Swimming along in the same direction, logic seeming to guide their actions, the hive mind taking them where they need to go and then once a danger comes, they just disperse. No aim, no purpose, just panic. We do not know where we are going but we do know that we don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be here, I don’t want to be doing this, I do not want to be me.

 What to do though? One can’t just stay still. One can’t just give up. There is no backing down. Things have happened, things have changed, and things cannot be taken back. Once the lid has been taken off the Pandora’s box and the evils of the world have escaped, they cannot be put back but, they cannot be left unchecked either. No going back, the only way is forward.

I have tried for several days to put it all into order and then all that came of it was that I knew what the pillars of the situations were. I knew what aspects needed to be tackled and resolved. I knew what they were, and I knew that I could not handle them all at once. So, I have started on the path of deciding which one is most important. Which one must be dealt with first?

I knew that I could not deal with it all at once so, I started to break it up into pieces. I will make decisions about what to do tomorrow and when the day comes, I will do my best to follow through and see how I faired. Just keep going, just keep swimming, allowing myself to fall apart, allowing myself to cry, allowing myself to waiver. I can break down as many times as I need to break down but there is no other option but, to keep trying. “It matters not how strait the gate, /      How charged with punishments the scroll, / I am the master of my fate, / I am the captain of my soul.” (“Invictus” by William Ernest Henley)

Cry because you don’t know how to do something. Look it up. Cry because you can’t find an answer. Keep looking. Cry because you found an answer, but you don’t understand it. Keep looking. Mention it to people and see if they have experience with something. Get a clue. Find a little hope. Keep looking. Cry about having to look so many times. Find a solution. Cry because you found a solution, but it is something new. Start creating simulations in my head and think about all the outcomes. Think about what could go wrong, getting ready for the worst scenario. Experience all the negative emotions that go with it because one needs to be ready for when shit hits the fan. Cry over each single one of them. Start implementing. Cry at each turn because you feel overwhelmed, and you feel alone. Complete the task. Reward yourself with a cry to celebrate the fact that you were a good girl or grieve over the failure and have a good cry considering the lessons. One way or the other, there is progress. I am exhausted in both body and spirit, at this point.

I look at my life and I try to find the reasons. One would be that when I asked for help, as a child, I either got in trouble for being in trouble or I got made to feel like it was an inconvenience. Getting told that I can’t do anything right. Getting told I break everything I touch. Getting told I don’t respect anything. Escalating anxiety all the while, guilt, and shame added to it. It just taught me that asking for help makes a nuisance out of me. I just need to be perfect from the start and then fix it myself when something goes wrong. My mind automatically goes to I need someone to help. I just need to tell myself again and again that no one is coming. That I am my own saviour. I have done things before. I achieved. I am fine. This is fine. Everything will be fine.

The next issue is just talking about the problem and somebody saying that they will help. You ask if they are sure and, they are positive. You start planning around their promise and then you mention it again and try to see what they are comfortable with and the entire mood shifts. You realise that they didn’t think that you would take them seriously. They didn’t plan on helping. They have had time to consider it, and it makes them uncomfortable to help or it does not align with what they can do. This one cut even deeper. For needing help, shame for trusting somebody, shame for not being able to handle things myself. I asked my therapist why someone would offer to help if they didn’t mean it. It seemed so strange to me. I was told that it makes people feel good to offer. Saviour complex but, just offering is enough to make them feel good and gives them validation. Take some more shame in the shower because you thought they meant it. Because you need them to mean it.

I have tried to share my problems and people have half listened to close the subject and then told me they were sure that I would find a solution. I don’t mind this that much. I don’t think that anybody owes me anything and I can appreciate that nothing is being offered when they are not comfortable offering help. I know that sometimes I talk too much, and I have no filter so, I am triggering for people. What I don’t understand is when people say that I should have asked for help because they would have stepped in. Would they? Would they actually? Is it a further message for me to learn my lesson or is it the passing of responsibility and washing away any guilt? No help was offered, no help was expected, no help was given, situation was resolved. Why the extra mention? If you could have helped, then why didn’t you say when I said I was struggling? Take some shame to go because you are not meant to be an island and we are meant to ask for help because not doing so, is not healthy. Still my fault.

I don’t know how to ask for help. I am deeply uncomfortable with asking for help outside a work environment. I got forced to do it there. I felt extremely uncomfortable in my first job when I had to do it but, I knew that I couldn’t solve the issue unless I did. Now, I just ask, take millions of notes, and try to excel at whatever it is for me to become the person who can help. Trying to be calm when I show somebody else, try to not make them feel guilty for needing help, try to understand their thought patterns, trying to explain the logic so, they grow. There is nothing better than showing somebody what they must do and then shining with that knowledge, becoming the best that they can be, and reaching their potential. They won’t have to feel how I felt ever again.

I talk about my issues, and I tell people what I am going through. I share my worries and my thinking process. I don’t know how to ask for help but, I give opportunities for help to be offered, and I am not ashamed to accept help. I know I can’t do it all. Sometimes people realise that I need help, and they try to find a solution with me. They offer an option. They tell me they see worth in me, and they want to support me. I feel so grateful and scared at the same time. Grateful that I am not alone, and I get advice or a solution, scared that it might not come to pass, or I might trust, and it will be taken away.

I am lucky to have found a few people that I can trust all the time. I can ask for help, and they never make me feel weak or needy or like I am being a burden. People who understand that if they tell me the truth about their situation, I will understand. I can understand not being able to support someone when one is feeling down. I can understand someone being busy and not having time to help. They understand that I am scared, so they read the signs, sit me down and ask me what is wrong and how can they help. I am so endlessly grateful to those people.

The truth is I know that in this lifetime, the only person who will get me anything I want is myself, but it is nice to be able to lean on someone from time to time. All I really need is a hug and for somebody to believe in me.

It is hard and it takes a lot of preparation but, I now try to pluck up the courage to ask for help. I keep repeating to myself “It is fine. What is the worst that can happen? They can always say no.” I need to do this. I need to learn that it is all right to express my needs and that it is okay to be vulnerable and say I need help.